Intake:
b. black coffee - 0 calories
l. tba
tba

Yesterday's fast got broken by a side salad when I was with my boyfriend. Today though, I'm not allowing myself to break this fast for anything. I woke up today, put on some Pink Floyd, smoked a bowl, came on here, and now I'm planning on making some new clothes.
I've been really into sewing again. I used to a lot a few years ago but ever since I started drinking and doing more drugs I kind of just never felt like doing it anymore. But now that I'm stuck at my mom's house again I just smoke weed and then cut up fabric and piece it back together. Haha I just like doing something with my hands and being able to use my creativity.

I don't know, I'm about to go sew now though.
Stay strong <3

"

No rambling today.
Just getting down to business.
lol.
I'm planning on fasting today because it seems like I can avoid food completely, or else just binge horribley. I have the worst luck trying to restrict, I always end up binging as soon as I taste one little morsel of food.
so I'm just going to fast instead.


stay strong <3

Sorry about my leave of absence.
My mom has been out of town for I don't even know how long.
She's coming back tonight.
I have been partying, losing my mind, and not sleeping for the past week or so.
My friends have been living at my house. My boyfriend found a really good hook up for some coke and ecstasy and I have been getting acid through random people for the past 3 days.
I don't know, I'm starting to get back to my old self. And when I say my old self I mean back to how I was before I was forced to live with my mom again. The past two years I have been binging on everything I find, drinking heavily every single day for an entire year, smoking weed, snorting pills, just so much acid for loooong periods of time.
I don't know, you really lose yourself into drugs and once you kind of have to sober up for a day or two, it gets really really scary.
I don't know if I'm ready to be living with my mom and trying to sober up. I don't know.
I'm 18 October 10th.
(in case you were wondering, two years ago I decided to go to a different school that was half an hour away and so I pretty much crashed on all my friends couches out there and never came home then eventually just moved out, that's why I've been not living with my mom for 2 years even though I'm only 17).

ANYWAYS.
I always ramble, ramble, ramble.
but I actually didn't do badly while my mom was gone. I was so fucked up all day and all night that I probably didn't even know what food was at the time.
This morning I just woke up, smoked two bowls while getting lost in some Pink Floyd albums, and then some Syd Barret solo stuff, and just chilled. lol.
I feel really relaxed.
I don't want to eat today. I think I'll go on a bike ride like I've been doing the past few days (ecstasy+acid=amazing bike riding experience if you live in the country).
Who knows, I'll update later.
Stay strong <33

This one inspires me the most. When I first saw it my jaw dropped. that's exactly what I looked like from the side (except with brown hair) when I was at my lowest weight.
I want to get back there so bad.

[Edit]
I'm going on a date with my boyfriend tonight.
No eating involved (thank GOD!)
I think we're just planning on smoking some weed, seeing a really intense movie or something to make us pee our pants, and then just walking around looking at the stars and talking. Maybe wandering over to this creek we like to chill at and smoke that herb.
lol.
Obviously not a really special date or anything, but I'm still excited. I used to live with my boyfriend but due to a few things that were out of our hands, he now lives an hour away. Now instead of falling asleep with him every night and waking up and his face being the first thing I see, I usually only see him like every other day, or every two days.
still, not awful but just not what I'm used to.
Earlier today while I was picking out what to wear I decided that all of my clothes are ugly and I had nothing to wear. I started to panic and then I decided that I should just make something.
A few hours (and many avoided binging opportunities) later and I'm now wearing this really cute shirt. I don't want to brag, but it really does look store bought. lol I'm proud.
All I ate today was strawberry yogurt - 170 calories
Right now I'm sitting at my house waiting for time to pass so I can leave to go meet my boyfriend.
These are the moments where I usually binge. Right after I finish one thing and I'm trying to kill time until it's time for other plans.
I'm really trying to keep myself occupied, but I don't know what to do right now.
I'll probably go surfing around other xanga's.
stay strong <3
[End Edit]

ughh skinny bitches.
lol.

Intake:
b. black coffee - 0 calories
l. nothing
d. tba

My days usually start off the same. I wake up, smoke a cigarette, start my coffee, find something on On Demand, drink my coffee, wake myself up a bit, smoke another cigarette, go on myspace and xanga, then do work outs.
After all that, it's about mid afternoon (3 or so) and then I usually either go work, hang out with friends, or my boyfriend, and that's when all the binging comes in.
I wish I just had as much control over myself all day like I do in the morning.

I need to work out.
most likely expect edits later.
stay strong <333

[Edit]
So I stopped by Taco Bell tonight. I was craaaaaaving a Caramel Apple Empanada so badly and I decided since I hadn't eaten yet today that I could allow that one thing because it's only 290 calories.
When I pay for my food the guy at the window goes,
"Do you want a free pop?"
and I say, "What? A free pop?"
and he hands me this large drink and he's like "Yeah I think you're cute and need a pop to go with your empanada."
lol! Random, but cute. Probably because he was cute, lol if it was some creepy old guy I might feel differently.
Don't worry though, I figured the pop most likely wasn't diet so I just saved it and gave it to my little sister.
anyways grand total of 290 calories today.
stay strong <3
[End Edit]

Yesterday I was too depressed to eat anything all day.
I did have some Strawberry Milk though, not sure how many calories were in it.
Under 300? I'm hoping. It was one of those Nesquick individual bottle things from the gas station.

Anyways.
I'm pretty sure my boyfriend wants me to lose weight but doesn't want to give me a complex (HAH!) by saying anything.
He kept talking about how we need to start walking more places, mainly how I need to start walking a lot with him.
Now maybe I'm just paranoid (as always) but I felt like that was him beating around the bush of me needing to lose weight.

So I decided to promise myself something.
In two weeks, on August 8th I will weigh in at 107 pounds or less.
That means I only have to lose 4 pounds a week because I'm currently sitting at 115.
I've lost 13 pounds in two weeks before, so I'm not worried.

Intake:
b. black coffee - 0 calories
l. nada
d. tba
total: 0 calories

Out-take:
walked 1 mile

It's only 1:30 in the afternoon, I'm sure I'll get more exercises in.

Stay strong <33